I Love Me (Finally!)

I was born in December 1970, the youngest of three children. My daddy worked as a prison guard, trying to feed and clothe his young family while Mama sewed, canned and did anything she could think of to save pennies. Life was not easy but for us kids, it was cozy- for awhile. My mama did a lot of things with me when I was little, I remember. We took walks together and did lots of crafts. I remember many times watching her run her sewing machine while we watched old sitcoms on television. 'Bewitched' was our favorite, followed by The Andy Griffith Show, All In The Family and Happy Days. My two brothers were five and seven years older than I was; they showed me attention by either torturing me or playing games with me. It depended on how much I was pestering them from day to day! We lived on a mountain- no close neighbors- and it felt like the edge of the world. That was a good thing. We could walk up our mountain road and 'disappear' into the wildnerness for a few hours or overnight. It was a nice way to relax while being in a safe place. Mama went to work at some point, driving a school bus, to earn some extra money. She and Daddy were having a new house built for us so that we could move out of the single wide trailer we'd been living in for five years or so. Mama drove the bus so that she could be home with us on our school schedule, but she took more and more work through the school system. She also drove the Special Education bus in between the regular bus shifts; in the summer she drove the bus for the Recreation Department summer camp- she wound up working as a full-time bus driver and we lost our full-time mother!

The person who had the best influence on me in my early years was my paternal grandmother. We called her Granny; she was a living testament to her family who settled here 6 generations before her. She knew her family's history and could tell you down to the tiniest detail how she was related to a sixth cousin. She played the guitar and wrote songs; she even sold a song to a singer named Judy Canova--who was famous at the time. She knew everyone and everyone loved her. She was genuinely kind, good, and had only positive things to say about others. This should have set me a good example but I took the other road for awhile. I allowed my temper to rule me for many years. Also, if someone displeased me or upset me I said bad things about them or to them, which only hurt me! It took me awhile to realize that. I wish I had followed her way sooner; I would have had an easier life from the get-go, but instead...my hard head took over and got me into many a hard time and scrape. My disposition was not naturally like hers and so I acted nothing like her, although she was my biggest heroine for many years.

Granny took a lot of time with me and used many ways show her love for me. I thought for a very long time that she was the only person in my family who really loved me. I think now that was because no one else had the time to devote to me like she did. Everyone in my family worked. When Granny had a stroke and suffered from the resulting dementia, I felt that my world had ended- I was losing the one person who cared about me. I was fifteen, in a difficult time of life anyway, and my biggest champion was a ghost of her former self. That was a very traumatic time that has taken two decades for me to recognize and say, "Yeah. That was a really rough time for me."

As time went by, as it always does, I realized that I had a whole loving family around me, waiting for me to let them in. I had taken them for granted all that time...immaturity does that, skews your images sometimes. My mom had to work because she had three children and a new house. She couldn't be home for me every day when I needed her there. So I stayed with my Granny all my young life and she became my emotional caretaker. So, in my mind, she was a mother to me. I still think of her every day and miss her. Especially when times are rough and I want to go back to a simpler time of life.

I am a true Southern girl. Born in the Southern Appalachians of North Carolina, independent and full of sand and salt......Don't try to bully me to your wishes, but if you're nice you can get me to do almost anything. My daddy taught me how to shoot and drive a manual 4x4, my brothers taught me how to spit & fight, and ALL the women of my family taught me how to survive without committing homicide or suicide!!

God, I love life now. I can even love myself and allow others around me to love me--if they want to.

Hehe. The simple life of a Southern Woman!!!